Anyways, so her and I were chatting away, she'd just gone through a breakup and I just got out of a rough patch with Mr. M. So all of a sudden she asks me, "Why do you think bad things happen to good people?" So much stuff just started flooding through my head. Rough childhood, rough teenage years, lifelong struggle with depression and anxiety. Some pretty heavy stuff. I thought extremely carefully about my response to her. I didn't really have an answer, just what I thought about the subject. So this is basically what I told her:
I look back on my life sometimes and I'm just like what happened.
It seems so much harder than any of my friend's lives and so crazy.
I know there were so many times I wanted to give up and just let the depression take over. It is the hardest thing being so sad all the time. Not to mention all the ugly things that depression tells you. Even though my parents and my family were constantly encouraging me, I had this constant voice in my head telling me that I wasn't good enough, I was worthless, I didn't belong here, this wasn't my world, etc.
My first thought as I look back on that is that I don't ever want my daughter to feel like that. I don't blame my parents for not seeing my depression because I know they had their own stuff to deal with. I am just uber aware of that for my children because it was something that I still deal with every day.
Anyways, after all the crazy moves, losing friends, the divorce, the aftermath of the divorce, high school, first year of college, second year of college, I knew there was a point when I started noticing the other people around me. There were some people who would just get wrapped up over the smallest things! I just couldn't believe it. Breakups in high school, not making varsity, etc., to them, these were things worth dying over. I just couldn't believe it. I came across as a not so sympathetic person but that was because I didn't understand why these people were so upset over things that didn't really matter in the long run. I think at that point I realized just how much stronger these trials had made me. How much wisdom I had gained from all of the pain and feeling out of control. Another thing we talked about is God not giving us more than we can bare. For some people, they see that is God expecting way too much. For me right now I see that as a source of comfort, maybe because there were times when He has given me a way out.
I share this because bad things will always happen and sometimes they will be really bad. We need to just keep pushing through and focus on remaining joyful. I am always joyful about coffee, or last night it was a milkshake that had sprinkles on it. I got so excited for it. Joy. Its hard to be joyful through a breakup, or after a fight with your boyfriend. It makes you have doubts, it makes you doubt the strength you have in yourself, but it is so there! Being joyful about the smallest things makes the largest things so much bigger.
So keep going through the struggles and all the yucky things of this world because there are better things to do than be depressed and wanting to die. I promise.
xoxo,
Kate
p.s. if there's anyone who wants to talk about depression, suicide, or anxiety, email me. i'm totally one for believing there is strength in numbers. you are never alone!
