Your Song

I don't know if its okay that I'm skipping class today...again. Most of the time I do it because I'm lazy. But today I'm doing it because I need some time for me. Relationships are the best thing in the world but they can also ruin you, or at least try to. I have stopped loving myself because one person stopped loving me. I have become hurtful and angry and bitter. I have ignored my hurt and replaced it with guilt for not stopping the mourning I feel for this person. I have been so angry at myself for so many things, mistakes, not realizing how bad the relationship was, the lying, the cheating, just everything. Through it all I resonate with all these things and get myself depressed and angry because of these things that I cannot change. I am so angry at this person for hurting me so many times, I am so angry for the pain that I caused him. Yet, these are things that are affecting me right now and are impacting my future. It is easy to say that it is not my fault that I am angry. Then who's fault is it? Its not him. He stopped talking to me long ago. And I stopped being happy and started being bitter. I respond to others in anger because I respond to myself in anger. I am quicker to say that I hate myself then I love myself. In fact, I can't remember the last time I said that I love myself. My hair is too frizzy and unmanageable, I hate my style, I hate my face, I hate me. How did I get in such a bad place? My hate towards myself extends outwardly, I have the shortest leash on the planet. I am angry and bitter at all that is around me. I have purposely stopped myself from being happy because of one person who isn't even in my life anymore. I stopped seeing the good qualities that I have an only see the bad ones. I am just so sad, hurt, and broken. I need to love myself through this and not expect anyone else to do it for me. I give my all in everything that I do. I am driven and determined. I am strong. I am funny and goofy and I can love everyone around me. I can love myself I just need to stop hating me so I stop hating everything around me. Its okay to grieve a loss and be sad and love yourself through. Love is the only thing that gets you through anyways. It gets you through everything. Hate gets you no where and makes you crazy. I spent so much time yelling about how not crazy I was and didn't realize that doing that was making me crazy. Making me really crazy and just angry. This person hurt me so many ways but I don't want this to affect me the rest of my life. I gave up and let it take over me long enough. I let it make me an angry, bitter person and let that affect everyone around me. I'm not going to say I'm done being angry. This is a process. Anger is like a drug without the benefits and I'm addicted. My goal right now is to simply detach and focus on loving myself. I need to mend my broken heart back together.

love. joy. grace. peace. 

"Because your love is better than life,  I will praise you." 

Ps. 63