I haven't written in awhile because I honestly I felt like I had nothing to share and there have definitely been some challenges thrown my way since I last posted. I think the biggest thing is God straight up asked me what I was doing. I didn't have a good answer and I didn't even remotely have a clue. This person once told me my biggest problem was that I don't think. I started to see just how right that person was. So in one day I turned a corner. I was honest with people I hadn't been with before, got off Facebook, and then took off for San Antonio. The first week was rough. This truly has been the first time I've spent this much time with my father since I was 12. Pre-divorce. I'm almost 21 now, a lot has changed. Now I'm entering into week three with 28 days left to go here.
Two weeks before I left, I felt like I had nothing left in Portland anymore. I was ready to throw in the towel and just be done with it all. My home didn't feel like home, my jobs weren't mine anymore and it felt like everyone was happy to have me leaving. I almost felt pushed out the door. Then the day before I left that all changed. There was some reason to come back to Portland, there was something there that wasn't before. Suddenly I wanted to stay or at least not be gone for so long. Had I made the right decision leaving? Was I just running away? No. I made this decision and had thought about it for nights on end. It was the right decision to leave for awhile and get things in order. You have to have a foundation for anything else to stick and at the moment I had absolutely nothing to stand on. That's when I made the decision to clear the surface. You have no idea how hard honesty is until you have to be honest and have your honesty hurt people. Not only being honest but also saying goodbye for the last time. The biggest thing with honesty is piercing through the lies that we tell ourselves. That if I give it another chance my feelings will change, or just fooling ourselves into thinking that we're happy with settling when we aren't happy at all.
So now I'm here. If I said I loved it here, I'd be lying through my teeth. This trip made me realize just how much I love Portland and the NW in general. Maybe not so much the people but I really like Oregon right now. I cannot be a firefighter in this heat and although the people are really nice, the city is dirty, and I don't feel that safe around here. I'm not dissing Texas okay! San Antonio is just not for me alright! My personal opinion. That's all. I do love Ft. Sam Houston though. It's a super nice post, and I don't mind hanging out there. That's once thing Oregon is missing. If we had that I'd probably never leave. I miss my army family. Like I said before, 28 days left. I have no idea what's gonna happen over these next weeks but I do know that the foundation is getting stronger.
"I want to take control, but I know better."
"God I want to dream again, take me where I've never been."
"Now I am unbreakable, its unmistakeable no one can touch me, nothing can stop me"
sorry no pictures, I can't download anything on this computer because it's not mine :(
