December

     

        I made it through my last fall term of my undergrad. I can't explain to you what an amazing feeling that was, but it is also so scary how much time has gone by and what has changed in such a short amount of time. A while back God gave me a second chance after I hit what I can only describe would be rock bottom. I almost blew that chance by not changing anything about my life and I found myself neck deep and sinking quickly. Until one day on my way to work, God asked, "Aren't you worth more?". Straight up. It was one of those signs that say, "If you were waiting for a sign, bingo". So right then and there I stopped what I was doing and got my life back to where it needed to be, and God provided amazing people to help me along the way. People who know me know I'm stubborn, and I think one of the hardest things for me to do is to "let go and let God", and I finally did. I can't tell you how radically changed my life has become because I finally made the decision to use that second chance.
         In Brennan Manning's book, Ragamuffin Gospel, Manning says "When I get honest, I admit I am a bundle of paradoxes. I believe and I doubt, I hope and get discouraged, I love and I hate, I feel bad about feeling good, I feel guilty about not feeling guilty. I am trusting and suspicious. I am honest and still play games. Aristotle said I am a rational animal; I say I am an angel with an incredible capacity for beer."
        The fact is, God knows this, and regardless of how crazy we are, He loves us unconditionally. We just need to accept that love and have faith in it, and bingo, my life changed.
        It has also changed in a couple of other ways, I just got a new job at PSU, and secondly, I'm not single anymore. In the most unlikely of circumstances, God blessed me by bringing an amazing guy into my life and I really can't wait to see where it goes.

As some of you know, this Christmas also marks the 9th year since my family fell apart and my life changed forever. This year has been so different for me, for the first time, I have actually chosen to listen to Christmas music. I can't tell you what a great feeling it was to be wrapping gifts, drinking hot cocoa, and listening to Christmas music. It's been 9 years in the making, and I am just so excited for Christmas this year. I'm sad my little brother won't be a part of it, but I'm happy he wants to spend it with my dad. I have to keep my mom company :) Christmas is just going to be great this year and this new year I have a feeling will be just wonderful. I cannot tell you how blessed I am by God this Christmas with everything going on. Tonight I got the most amazing Christmas present. I am so generally not the sappy type, but when I got this if we hadn't been in a restaurant I would've cried.

It is a completely hand made, hand carved ornament of my family's crest that he surprised me with. I had no idea! This picture doesn't remotely do it justice. It is honestly the most beautiful, most perfect gift I have been given. Just one of the many, many reasons I am so lucky to have Aaron in my life. 

Throwing some snow with the little brother and cousins 

Piggy back rides 

pyramids 

My big crazy family, Mom, Grandma, Aspen, Grandpa, Aunty Jodi, Uncle Jonathan, Mims, Riese, Me and Scott. I love them with everything I have. 

21

It is late and I just finished doing my homework and I should be going to bed but I can't go to bed without writing this post. Its been living in my brain this whole week and always seemed to start writing itself before I could sit down and get my thoughts out. Reflections. Memories. So much has changed since last year. I read my blog post about turning 20 and it literally brought tears to my eyes. The biggest thing that hit me is that I said I knew I wasn't ready to turn 21 yet. Now here I am, a year later, 21 years old. Am I ready now? I always felt like I just kept making more mistakes as every year went by and largely in my point of view that has been true. However, we cannot make judgments on decisions that were and needed to be made at that point in time. For some of them, yeah they were totally mistakes and I shouldn't have done that, but for others they were decisions that needed to be made then and there, and they were decisions I made at that specific moment with what was best for me at that moment. It's been a long year for me but right now I cannot explain to you what this deep happiness, this joy inside of me feels like. Things are not perfect, nor do I expect them to be, but they are pretty damn good right now. So now I'm 21.

I don't know where I'm going with my life right now and I'm definitely not close to settling down. I know that this is the year I'll graduate with my first degree and that's about the only firm thing I know right now. I don't know about love, I don't know what's going to happen. My only goal is to have this peace of mind, this happiness amidst all things unhappy, to stick around. I think the biggest thing I'm realizing is that yes, I have all these things I want for my life, and they'll get to me eventually, just like October 24 will keep coming year after year.

Day in the Pearl

So Elizabeth has been my best friend since I was in the 6th grade. She pulled me out of my awkward homeschool vibes and helped me be who I am today. I love this girl and it has been insane to see all the work God is doing in her lately. She was only here for a couple days but every time we see each other we pick up right where we left off. I can't wait til she comes home for Thanksgiving.

 Our lovely trio, Beth, me, and Elizabeth

I have always loved the pearl district in portland. It has such a distinct feel and I can't wait to shoot more photos there. 

Been Awhile

I know its been quite a long time since I've posted anything. The last time I wrote I was in SA, and now I'm back in Portland and definitely back at life again. I would like to say that SA was everything I'd hoped it would be but that would be a total lie. Did I accomplish everything I wanted to while I was back there though? Yes, without a doubt. It was a bit more painful and dramatic than I had planned but I got through it and I'd like to think I came back a different person, but the biggest changes in my life have been happening recently. You know when something just clicks in your head and you wonder why you were doing what you were doing? I mean, no wonder I was so unhappy these past few months, and I don't think that was due to just one thing, but everything in its own way contributed to my decision to choose being sad and ignorant over being joyful. So I have no pictures really to share of SA, but I have pictures and things to share over what's been up recently. Which are two huge things right now, first, moving out to the suburbs, and second, my new job with Red Bull.

I think this is the first apartment in four years that I teared up a bit when I walked in. Its not in the best location, or the best condition for that matter, but the moment I walked in, I couldn't help but think that this place was mine. I have loved my new home from the very beginning. From the large amount of storage space that is unusable, the metal step that broke the day I moved in and has yet to be fixed, to the squeaky soft floor that makes noises as Aspen runs to go get his tennis ball, (of which I'm sure we have at least 10 of by now), which I'm sure drives our neighbors crazy. This place is mine and I am absolutely head over heels about it. 

Queen size bed and he takes up the whole thing. 

I know the handwriting is crappy, but the quote is divine. I think it sums up my future year in this apartment which is also my senior year of college. I want to live deeper and have a more meaningful life than I ever have before, and I feel like slowly I'm starting to get into that more. Here's to the future and to being happy!

[Yes, that's Krewella!!!]

So red bull...I work for them now, and so far its been an amazing experience. I'm learning so much about myself and the people around me. I have been so incredibly blessed with amazing coworkers who have instantly become my friends. One of my first couple days on the job one of the guys shook my hand and said, "Welcome to the family". That is such an incredible feeling, let me tell you. No matter what, each job has its ups and downs but just to start off on such a fantastic note is truly amazing. I know God has definitely placed me in this position to challenge me and to help me to grow. It is exactly where I need to be right now. From the very beginning of applying for this job I've always said it was "A God thing" of how it just fell together and worked out even with my time away in SA where most companies would not have hired me over, and it continues to be something He controls. 

iPhone pics.

Bathtime with the pups. Don't they look so happy?

One day I'll get into the heeled tennis shoe craze, that day wasn't it though. 

My bio 207 class runs from 6:40-9:30pm. It takes approximately two cans of Red Bull to stay awake for it. 

Yes, this is a cat. Not a cat-rat hybrid thing. Its naked. On purpose. And it totally looks like its going to kill me. Oops. Saw this fella when we stopped at my coworker's friend's place in Eugene. Its a creature to say the least. 

Diggin my outfit. Nordstrom's and Aritzia are my favorite. 

Printed leggings! The best. Finally found a pair I love. 

My favorite quote lately has been "Each day is a day of decisions and our decisions determine our destiny" -Elder Nelson 

I love it because it is so true. 

Sorry I was gone for so long, promise it won't happen again! 

faith is moving without knowing

I haven't written in awhile because I honestly I felt like I had nothing to share and there have definitely been some challenges thrown my way since I last posted. I think the biggest thing is God straight up asked me what I was doing. I didn't have a good answer and I didn't even remotely have a clue. This person once told me my biggest problem was that I don't think. I started to see just how right that person was. So in one day I turned a corner. I was honest with people I hadn't been with before, got off Facebook, and then took off for San Antonio. The first week was rough. This truly has been the first time I've spent this much time with my father since I was 12. Pre-divorce. I'm almost 21 now, a lot has changed. Now I'm entering into week three with 28 days left to go here.

Two weeks before I left, I felt like I had nothing left in Portland anymore. I was ready to throw in the towel and just be done with it all. My home didn't feel like home, my jobs weren't mine anymore and it felt like everyone was happy to have me leaving. I almost felt pushed out the door. Then the day before I left that all changed. There was some reason to come back to Portland, there was something there that wasn't before. Suddenly I wanted to stay or at least not be gone for so long. Had I made the right decision leaving? Was I just running away? No. I made this decision and had thought about it for nights on end. It was the right decision to leave for awhile and get things in order. You have to have a foundation for anything else to stick and at the moment I had absolutely nothing to stand on. That's when I made the decision to clear the surface. You have no idea how hard honesty is until you have to be honest and have your honesty hurt people. Not only being honest but also saying goodbye for the last time. The biggest thing with honesty is piercing through the lies that we tell ourselves. That if I give it another chance my feelings will change, or just fooling ourselves into thinking that we're happy with settling when we aren't happy at all.

So now I'm here. If I said I loved it here, I'd be lying through my teeth. This trip made me realize just how much I love Portland and the NW in general. Maybe not so much the people but I really like Oregon right now. I cannot be a firefighter in this heat and although the people are really nice, the city is dirty, and I don't feel that safe around here. I'm not dissing Texas okay! San Antonio is just not for me alright! My personal opinion. That's all. I do love Ft. Sam Houston though. It's a super nice post, and I don't mind hanging out there. That's once thing Oregon is missing. If we had that I'd probably never leave. I miss my army family. Like I said before, 28 days left. I have no idea what's gonna happen over these next weeks but I do know that the foundation is getting stronger.

Fireflight-Unbreakable

"I want to take control, but I know better."

"God I want to dream again, take me where I've never been." 

"Now I am unbreakable, its unmistakeable no one can touch me, nothing can stop me"

sorry no pictures, I can't download anything on this computer because it's not mine :(

Closure

What's closure? And why do so many people need it to be "okay"? People meet up and talk to get closure, or people have existing anxiety because they don't have closure. 

So if closure is, "closure or need for closure are psychological terms that describe the desire or need individuals have for information that will allow them to conclude an issue that had previously been clouded in ambiguity and uncertainty", then all these people are searching for an ending to something they feel hasn't ended yet. Breakups, fights, those do not often end in closure, so we feel the need to pursue it in hopes that it'll make us feel better. Does it really though? I have had two serious relationships in my lifetime, the last one I thought would end with a ring on my finger, a house, and two kids playing in the backyard and then in March, all of that went away. Like anything, you go through those periods of wondering if you made a mistake, if you could've stopped it, if you could have done anything, and if there was anything you could've done, you would have done it all. Over time though, those feelings stop. You stop wondering because you don't wonder, you know. You see it on their face every time they don't look at you. You see how much they don't care. At first it hits you like a train, but over time that goes away too. You move on. Its not overnight, its not instant, but you do it. So when someone asks you to meet, and you start thinking why you want to go there in the first place, the first thing you think is "closure" but if closure is about solving uncertainty, then I've already done it. Its over. It was over the moment we said it was over. I don't know how much clearer that can be. It won't be a fairytale get back together moment, it will be a goodbye moment. The kiss on the cheek goodbye when you know that after that day, that person will cease to exist forever. 

God is Taking Me Somewhere

God is helping me work on faith right now in so many ways. The largest of which is my immediate future which God is making it clear I cannot decide on my own. So as I toss around some crazy options in my head. I need some backup. So pray for me. Pray that God will give me clarity to make the right decision and to be confident in His love that I will be okay. Feeling overwhelmed does not even begin to describe it, but that's why it is all about faith right now.