the beach

The End is Near

So this is my last term of undergrad, four years, coming to a close. I have to tell you there is so much that has changed and grown since I first started college at the young age of 17. I'm only 21 now, but I have to say that I've changed more in these 4 years than I ever thought was possible.

I had dreams and goals when I started college back then. Well maybe more questions.

What degree am I going to get?

Am I going to like college? PSU?

What am I going to do after college?

Will I make friends?

Will I find the guy I'm going to marry? 

and I guess my dream was just to be happy, and the fear was what if that didn't happen. 

So now it's four years later and I know the answer to a few of those questions.

Sociology. 

Yes, sometimes you'll like PSU more than others, but for the most part you liked it.

Yeah...after college is still up in the air but that's okay. 

Friends come and go, but finding ones that stick with you through thick and thin is what will get you through. Thanks Kristi, Elizabeth, and Maleah for being that for me. 

And maybe? Who knows? But if he's the right guy its definitely not how I had planned it.

Am I happy? Without a doubt yes. 

The point of this post is that nothing went how I had planned, throughout the past 4 years that's about the only thing I can count out is that my plans will change, modify, or be cancelled altogether and that's okay.

My main goal above everything was to finish school, and I'm so glad to say that I'm about to accomplish that.

If you asked me four years ago if I'd be sitting where I am right now, living where I am, working where I am, dating the guy I'm with, I would've said you're crazy. Yet through all this pure chaos I've come out of it a better woman and a more Godly woman than when I've started.

Can't sleep, can't eat.

Just over a week ago I got my wisdom teeth pulled. All four of them, plus two baby teeth (yes, adults can still have them) and let me tell you it wasn't as bad as some people told me but it wasn't as good either. I am so thankful for my mom who picked me up from the oral surgeon's office as I was barely functioning and took me to her house where I spent the next 5 days on her couch. I was a total chipmunk and my mouth just ached. Now I'm back to my normal routine but still not back to normal. My right side of my mouth is still swollen and sore but every day it gets better. I'm starting to eat normal foods again but thanks to the meds nothing tastes the same which if you know me is a huge bummer. I love food. I love all food. Pretty much. The good part about being lazy for a week and being a chipmunk was being able to sleep. Dead week and finals week were killer for me, not because of the tests but because I started having nightmares again. Not just your normal boogeyman nightmares but scary, incredibly vivid nightmares and now that I'm only on ibuprofen, they have slowly started up again. It's a struggle because I love sleeping but it makes it so hard to fall back asleep or fall asleep in the first place. I'm thankful for my faithful pup, Aspen because it's comforting knowing I have him at my feet but sometimes that's not enough. So I end up tired and sometimes pretty freaked out. The weird part about all this is that this used to happen to me when I was stressed out, but I haven't really felt that stressed in awhile. I've actually been really happy even with getting 6 teeth pulled and having to miss a work event. 

The happiness is due to many things, Jesus, my family, Aaron, my friends, my coworkers, and just believing in myself for once. I think people underestimate the power of self esteem sometimes. It's so powerful. I see myself so much differently than I did a year ago and I'm so thankful for that. I feel like I've gained my strength, focus, and clarity back. I'm centered, confident, and just joyful. I never thought I could be this content with so much uncertainty ahead of me. All thanks to Jesus! 

Not everything has been rainbows and butterflies though, that's for certain. I know I write about a lot of great things on here but there have been trials too recently. Tests in my newly renewed faith, realizations about the way I used to live my life, and tests with my relationship with Aaron. It is only through trials though, that we can experience growth. We can't just sit and cry about our situation or the past, the past is there it's done, but the future lies before us ready to be molded by our choices. That is why we have to choose to press on and have faith that God's plan for us is so much better than anything that we can dream up, or the past that keeps knocking at our front door. It has taken me a lot of pain and sorrow to realize this but I have and I believe in it with all my heart. 

So here I am in my last term of undergrad ready to keep going, even if I'm half asleep.