God is Taking Me Somewhere

God is helping me work on faith right now in so many ways. The largest of which is my immediate future which God is making it clear I cannot decide on my own. So as I toss around some crazy options in my head. I need some backup. So pray for me. Pray that God will give me clarity to make the right decision and to be confident in His love that I will be okay. Feeling overwhelmed does not even begin to describe it, but that's why it is all about faith right now.

Wants and Thoughts

Had some spare time today so I spent some time window shopping on Nordstroms. I think I was never meant for summer weather as much as I dislike the rain. I love warm and cozy things way too much and also a cup of hot coffee. I also have this aversion to color, but these floral skinnies are right up my alley, maybe paired with a black top ;) Shopping can be such a diversion from the real world.

Wants by katelynokada featuring floral print skinny jeans

Topshop military fashion / J Brand floral print skinny jeans, $190 / Kalso Earth Shoe slouchy boots / Marc by Marc Jacobs cross body shoulder bag / Levi's 'Trucker' Oversized Denim Jacket (Juniors) Medium


I start the Wings Team this weekend, so excited. It is definitely time for something new to come along. As for an update on my harassment problem, it is still ongoing and I am writing this post right now because my body seems to manifest stress in very, very physical ways. Nightmares, insomnia, endless dehydration, sore muscles, headaches, and so much more. I cannot wait until this is over and I can finally get a decent night of sleep.

I'm learning to be patient and have faith in God's timing.

And one day, I will meet him. 

Coming Clean

I have been debating writing this post for two and a half weeks. Mainly because of the trauma involved and if it something that I want to share. Obviously since I am writing this, I have decided to tell what happened, so that if this happens to any of you out there that you learn from what has happened to me.

When I was 18, I was raped. I was raped by my best friend at the time. He lured me to feeling safe and was there for me through an awful breakup. We would watch lame movies together, laugh, and drink. Then one night, he made the drinks stronger than usual, and by the time I realized what was happening, it was too late for me. I can't even convey how disgusting rape makes you feel. I wanted to take a dozen showers to somehow wash what he did away. The worst part is this is how he chose to convey his feelings for me. I told him that was he did was unacceptable and that he should never ever try to contact me again. Thankfully, he respected that, but the damage had already been done. I never told my family or my friends, I kept it to myself because I felt an enormous amount of shame. I was a Christian! They don't get drunk or have sex. So I chose to recover from it alone and told someone what happened a year later. I had put it past me for the most part, but still kept it to myself.

Two weeks ago, a co-worker started harassing me in the office. He was angry and aggressive towards me and my gut told me that I had to tell someone what was going on, but I thought it could just be him having a bad day so I was going to let it go until it turned physical. That's when I knew I had to stand up to what was happening. Now two weeks later, everyone at work is acting like nothing happened because he is respecting a no contact order, but here I am still damaged, still feeling ugly and gross, and still trying to make sense of what's going on. Sociology says that this combination of incidents has made this a bigger trauma then if nothing previous had happened. I am feeling withdrawn, and like I just want to be alone 100% of the time. I am shaky, nervous, tense, and very conscious of everyone around me. In short, even though everyone is telling me that I'm fine and that I should move on, I am still terrified. I am scared out of my mind. Scared to be on campus, scared to be in my apartment, nothing feels safe anymore. I am so angry at him for what he has taken away from me and now the whole world expects me to be perfectly fine. I'm not fine. I'm not fine at all.

I'd like to write a paragraph on how I'm getting better, how things are changing for me. I'm just not there yet. I'm still afraid and I'm still fragile. I take every day as its own, and pray every day for things to change and so I can be healed. My only message right now is that these things that happen aren't my fault. I know that confidently. If they happen to you, know that it is not your fault either. Life has a way of making us feel as though somehow metaphysically we did something to deserve it, but that's just society talking. So until I find a place to start healing, I am taking things one day at a time. There are resources and people out there to help, you just need to find the right people.

A Mini, Mini Adventure

So its around 11:30 at night. I just finished studying for my midterm and writing my essay. Then I get this craving. I swear I'm not pregnant, I just get cravings for Diet Coke. Hey, its better than alcohol, right? Right? So Aspen and I go on a mini mission. The only issue is that I had just finished my self-tanning regimen. Wouldn't be so bad except for the fact that the lotion is sparkly. So here's me. Wet, crazy hair with sweatpants and sparkling like a vampire. Ready to go out in public for a Diet Coke.

Why would I do this you ask? Let alone document it? Because for the past few weeks, I have been through hell and have been continued to be put through hell. I've been bullied, assaulted, yelled at, and harassed. All while dealing with school and other issues and trying to stand tall. So we needed an adventure that was important to us. No matter how minor or small it may seem. 

Success! 

Goodnight.

xoxo

Kate 

Social Media and iPhone Pics

"Sticks and stones can break my bones, but words will never hurt me."

Bullshit.

Words have more power then we will realize and once words have been said, they cannot be taken back. People don't forget the things that hurt them, they stick with you and can haunt you. They are not just words, and when you couple them with social media you provide a platform that can be so incredibly damaging. It is not only damaging to the person you are attacking, it is toxic. It can spread like wildfire and make people choose sides. It hurts. I cannot describe to you how much it can hurt and how much it weighs on the hearts of those that know what's going on and can feel for that person. In a world that asks us to be tolerable of just about every kind of person, are we to tolerate this? Are we to let this slide by us and ignore it? No. I think not. Everyone is their own person, with their own decision making process and their own rights and wants. Who are we to try to tell them that what they want is not what they should want? Think about your words and think before you speak because what you say can stick with them forever when you only think about it for that moment in time. 

Kenny and AC, my fellow Team Leads

My boo 

Mom and I went to Panera Bread for a cookie, and came out with this.

Viking Scholars 2013 with my girlie Jess

Keahi and I 

So in conclusion, watch your mouth and just love. 

xoxo,

Kate

Learning about Love

I swear I've learned more about love these past couple weeks, maybe even days, than I have ever. Sometimes love means letting go and moving on because that's really what's best for you. It sucks in the moment because it literally feels like death, but I bounce back and the love you experience from everyone around you is the best feeling ever. Then you have reminders from people that you indeed are beautiful, despite how ugly you might feel. How much guys still admire you and wish they could be with you. It doesn't take away the pain but it gives you the push to keep moving on and know that everything is going to be okay. I've been learning to just trust, and let things happen. I am such a control freak and I need to quit it! There's no chance if I take all the luck out of it! I'm just letting God do his thing with me right now and having a good time. I can feel my world and options expanding and I love this feeling! I didn't think I'd go to bed with a smile on my face but I totally do every night. Completely content with where my life is headed even though I don't know where that is going to go exactly. This time next year, who knows? I could be engaged, I could be moving to Texas for grad school, I could be in a different country, I could be in Portland still. So many options and I love it! Turning that page is really difficult but when it's time, it's time. Thank goodness. I am not dependent on anyone else anymore. That's an amazing feeling. I'm not going to let anyone be a buzz kill to that!

xoxo,

Kate

Something More

So I've been gone for a few weeks I know. I guess some pretty huge life events happened. I just couldn't put them into words or didn't want to until now. Until I knew things were over and it was time to turn over a new page, to a new chapter. I have had a crisis of conscience about my God and about my life. I have to come to the firm conclusion that I cannot just believe in fate, in luck, or any of those things. There have been times when I have called out to God and He has answered me. He has given me the "aha" moments of a lifetime. He has given me gut feelings that could only come from Him. I am a sociology major, I have studied Durkheim's theories on religion. Yet, when I think about them, they are really just theories, all of them. No one knows what happens really when we die. What if I live my life completely for nothing or for myself, and end up missing out on life completely? I love my God. He has never abandoned me. However complicated this life can be with all of its competing values and conflicting ideals. I love Him because He has me in His heart and in His vision. I may believe in gay marriage and equal rights but I believe Jesus Christ died on the cross to save me. This is my choice and my choice alone.

I am single now. Can you believe how much someone is able to touch your life? The bits and pieces and the large spotlights that were once his? I loved him with all my heart but I had a gut feeling and at times I wanted to take it all back I take comfort knowing I cannot regret my decision and that this will get easier as time passes. It brings me to knowing new people and having new experiences. Hopefully knowing myself.

So new page. New chapter. Same me. Being me and nothing else. I am excited to share all of this with you.

I interviewed for a new job today! From my bedroom, actually on my bed, and on my laptop. Technology has never ceased to amaze me. I hope so much I get this position. It will further open my eyes and allow me to have an awesome time this summer with great people.

Webcam interviews....

I am so excited to hear back from them and hopefully its soon because I really hate this waiting process. I really feel like God opened the door for this to happen and has really paved the path for me. I think He knows I need something like this right now to keep my eyes on the road and from straying away from the path. So we will see! I did my best. 

I am so thankful for Aspen right now as well. He is my buddy and my pride and joy. I cannot believe how lucky I am to have this little boy in my heart. He's the sweetest puppy I've ever met. 

Aspen and Maile 

xoxo,

Kate