I have been debating writing this post for two and a half weeks. Mainly because of the trauma involved and if it something that I want to share. Obviously since I am writing this, I have decided to tell what happened, so that if this happens to any of you out there that you learn from what has happened to me.
When I was 18, I was raped. I was raped by my best friend at the time. He lured me to feeling safe and was there for me through an awful breakup. We would watch lame movies together, laugh, and drink. Then one night, he made the drinks stronger than usual, and by the time I realized what was happening, it was too late for me. I can't even convey how disgusting rape makes you feel. I wanted to take a dozen showers to somehow wash what he did away. The worst part is this is how he chose to convey his feelings for me. I told him that was he did was unacceptable and that he should never ever try to contact me again. Thankfully, he respected that, but the damage had already been done. I never told my family or my friends, I kept it to myself because I felt an enormous amount of shame. I was a Christian! They don't get drunk or have sex. So I chose to recover from it alone and told someone what happened a year later. I had put it past me for the most part, but still kept it to myself.
Two weeks ago, a co-worker started harassing me in the office. He was angry and aggressive towards me and my gut told me that I had to tell someone what was going on, but I thought it could just be him having a bad day so I was going to let it go until it turned physical. That's when I knew I had to stand up to what was happening. Now two weeks later, everyone at work is acting like nothing happened because he is respecting a no contact order, but here I am still damaged, still feeling ugly and gross, and still trying to make sense of what's going on. Sociology says that this combination of incidents has made this a bigger trauma then if nothing previous had happened. I am feeling withdrawn, and like I just want to be alone 100% of the time. I am shaky, nervous, tense, and very conscious of everyone around me. In short, even though everyone is telling me that I'm fine and that I should move on, I am still terrified. I am scared out of my mind. Scared to be on campus, scared to be in my apartment, nothing feels safe anymore. I am so angry at him for what he has taken away from me and now the whole world expects me to be perfectly fine. I'm not fine. I'm not fine at all.
I'd like to write a paragraph on how I'm getting better, how things are changing for me. I'm just not there yet. I'm still afraid and I'm still fragile. I take every day as its own, and pray every day for things to change and so I can be healed. My only message right now is that these things that happen aren't my fault. I know that confidently. If they happen to you, know that it is not your fault either. Life has a way of making us feel as though somehow metaphysically we did something to deserve it, but that's just society talking. So until I find a place to start healing, I am taking things one day at a time. There are resources and people out there to help, you just need to find the right people.
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